Yikes! Nardil is just not working the way I want it to… It has only been 10 days so I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet… But man these side effects are ridiculous! I feel sooo out of it.
It’s hard to describe, but I’m feeling a not so fun combination of dizziness and brain fuzziness/fogginess (example, I was filling out a form at the dentist and I couldn’t remember the name of my primary care doctor that I’ve been seeing for the past ten years. I actually had to google the doctor’s address in order to find out his name!)
My last Anatomy test is in a couple days… and I am up a creek without a paddle in terms of studying… My mind is swimming.
I will try to pull it together… although I don’t quite feel fully in charge of my mind at the moment… At least I can focus enough to write this, so I must not be completely fried…Will slog through. I’ve blocked out the entire weekend for studying.
Luckily the new job doesn’t start until the middle of next week so I’m hoping these intense side effecty feelings will begin to resolve themselves a little bit before then as my body gets used to the medication...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Toothaches cure nervousness…
Whirlwind day…
Up and out pretty early this morning…I drove to the university where I’ve been taking some classes as a non-matriculated student. I had to go back and forth between two different campuses from the registrar, to the graduate admission office and back again trying to get permission to take additional prerequisite classes even though I’m not officially enrolled in the program yet…
Cross my fingers, knock on wood, etc. and hopefully everything should now be all set for me to register to take another class next semester.
(I will eventually do a long entry about my pursuit of a graduate degree…Right now I’m nervous about taking a class while working, but I’ll save that for another post)
My afternoon was taken up by an unexpected trip to the dentist. I’ve been ignoring pain in my wisdom tooth for a couple months now, but today it finally reached the point of becoming pretty unbearable so I finally had it examined…And as I thought, it has to be extracted.
Luckily my start date for the new job has been changed to the middle of next week, and I was able to get an appointment at the oral surgeon for Monday. So it will all be taken care soon…just have to get through the next couple days with an intermittent toothache. Not the end of the world.
It’s funny how this situation emerged and has served quite nicely to take my mind off all the nervousness… Nothing like a toothache to make you forget all about an existential crisis…
Up and out pretty early this morning…I drove to the university where I’ve been taking some classes as a non-matriculated student. I had to go back and forth between two different campuses from the registrar, to the graduate admission office and back again trying to get permission to take additional prerequisite classes even though I’m not officially enrolled in the program yet…
Cross my fingers, knock on wood, etc. and hopefully everything should now be all set for me to register to take another class next semester.
(I will eventually do a long entry about my pursuit of a graduate degree…Right now I’m nervous about taking a class while working, but I’ll save that for another post)
My afternoon was taken up by an unexpected trip to the dentist. I’ve been ignoring pain in my wisdom tooth for a couple months now, but today it finally reached the point of becoming pretty unbearable so I finally had it examined…And as I thought, it has to be extracted.
Luckily my start date for the new job has been changed to the middle of next week, and I was able to get an appointment at the oral surgeon for Monday. So it will all be taken care soon…just have to get through the next couple days with an intermittent toothache. Not the end of the world.
It’s funny how this situation emerged and has served quite nicely to take my mind off all the nervousness… Nothing like a toothache to make you forget all about an existential crisis…
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Full Moon
Whooo….breathe… feeling very nervous today… I think I might have fallen back into CrazyTown today in terms of anxiety based on nothing.
Went shopping for new wear to work clothes this morning, but didn’t find anything in the store. I will be ordering from Talbots online…hopefully they'll run that free shipping deal again.
Anyways, 2pm and I’m so nervous…I promised myself I would work out today, but I’m too tired to go the gym. I’m soooo anxious that it’s even difficult to watch tv… Daytime tv (talk shows, soaps) can be generally depressing, and watching the news makes me super anxious when I’m in a state like this.
What to do…dilemma…Do I try to take a nap? I’m too wound up to even do that… Wow…I’m a crazy nervous drama queen right now…
What to do…nervous, nervous, nervous about this job that doesn’t even start til next week…
…So now it’s after 3pm…
I’ve calmed down a little bit.
I randomly read an old New York Times essay by Laura A. Munson. The general topic at hand doesn’t apply to me (the essay focuses on how she to maintained herself and her marriage during her husband’s midlife crisis a couple years ago) but her thoughts about the “end of suffering” were very thought provoking and made me cry a little.
I realize how much work I have to do…to accept myself, etc. I really am just flailing about right now… I can’t seem to find my core and unhook myself from all these flittering feelings.
Maybe it’s the full moon?
Anyways, I talked to the Doc this afternoon and I’m upping the Nardil to 60mg starting tomorrow…yikes…breathe….
Went shopping for new wear to work clothes this morning, but didn’t find anything in the store. I will be ordering from Talbots online…hopefully they'll run that free shipping deal again.
Anyways, 2pm and I’m so nervous…I promised myself I would work out today, but I’m too tired to go the gym. I’m soooo anxious that it’s even difficult to watch tv… Daytime tv (talk shows, soaps) can be generally depressing, and watching the news makes me super anxious when I’m in a state like this.
What to do…dilemma…Do I try to take a nap? I’m too wound up to even do that… Wow…I’m a crazy nervous drama queen right now…
What to do…nervous, nervous, nervous about this job that doesn’t even start til next week…
…So now it’s after 3pm…
I’ve calmed down a little bit.
I randomly read an old New York Times essay by Laura A. Munson. The general topic at hand doesn’t apply to me (the essay focuses on how she to maintained herself and her marriage during her husband’s midlife crisis a couple years ago) but her thoughts about the “end of suffering” were very thought provoking and made me cry a little.
I realize how much work I have to do…to accept myself, etc. I really am just flailing about right now… I can’t seem to find my core and unhook myself from all these flittering feelings.
Maybe it’s the full moon?
Anyways, I talked to the Doc this afternoon and I’m upping the Nardil to 60mg starting tomorrow…yikes…breathe….
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Offer...
So remember when I started a blog (4 days ago!) to chronicle my path of self improvement and to hold myself accountable publicly for making actual choices and doing actual things that improve the direction of my life? Well, stuff is already starting to happen.
Good stuff…but stuff that scares the crap out of me…
A couple of weeks ago I interviewed at a fancy-pants investment bank in New York City. I was at the height of a very anxious/depressive state, and I was off all my meds in preparation for switching to my current medication. I don’t know how I made it through the interview, let alone convinced both people I met with that I belong on their team.
But apparently, I did well enough to get a job offer!
When I got the phone call, I wanted to simultaneously do a celebratory jig and also throw up… sorry, that’s gross, but true. The jig part is because the salary is exactly double what I was making in my previous job, and is almost exactly quadruple what I had been collecting while on unemployment!
And that is obviously life changing. I can finally keep my head above water financially.
The throw up part is because I’m scared about actually changing my life… Even though it’s changing in a wonderful direction, I’m feeling kind of terrified. Performance anxiety, social anxiety, anxiety about anxiety…Yikes, clearly the Nardil has not started kicking in yet.
I say I want to change, that’s why I have this blog… but I’m scared, scared, scared to really do it… But I guess this is about improving my life, even if I have to do things that are scary…
Ok, pull it together… joyful (not petrified) effort, remember?
Anyways, I got a 91 on my Anatomy test today!!
Crazy day…
Good stuff…but stuff that scares the crap out of me…
A couple of weeks ago I interviewed at a fancy-pants investment bank in New York City. I was at the height of a very anxious/depressive state, and I was off all my meds in preparation for switching to my current medication. I don’t know how I made it through the interview, let alone convinced both people I met with that I belong on their team.
But apparently, I did well enough to get a job offer!
When I got the phone call, I wanted to simultaneously do a celebratory jig and also throw up… sorry, that’s gross, but true. The jig part is because the salary is exactly double what I was making in my previous job, and is almost exactly quadruple what I had been collecting while on unemployment!
And that is obviously life changing. I can finally keep my head above water financially.
The throw up part is because I’m scared about actually changing my life… Even though it’s changing in a wonderful direction, I’m feeling kind of terrified. Performance anxiety, social anxiety, anxiety about anxiety…Yikes, clearly the Nardil has not started kicking in yet.
I say I want to change, that’s why I have this blog… but I’m scared, scared, scared to really do it… But I guess this is about improving my life, even if I have to do things that are scary…
Ok, pull it together… joyful (not petrified) effort, remember?
Anyways, I got a 91 on my Anatomy test today!!
Crazy day…
Friday, July 23, 2010
Joyous Effort
So today was a mixed day...I woke up very anxious....got a late start, many random errands in the morning, then a phone call from my aunt asking me to make dinner for my grandfather, more errands, some procrastination on the computer... still very anxious and then came the golden tweet.
The perfect words at the perfect time that sent my day in different direction:
"The cultivation of joyous effort will combat laziness and distraction."- Dalai Lama
Sharon Salzberg happened to tweet this...I happened to read it because I just started following her yesterday on twitter. And something clicked. A light bulb went off in my head...It radiated through all of my feelings of anxiety and depression and eclipsed my proclivities towards procrastination ...
And I pulled it together. I had a wonderful dinner with grandpa. And then I did the formerly unthinkable... I began to read the chapters for my impending anatomy exam.
And I read, and I took notes, and I actually become interested in trying to understand all the ridiculous minutiae... And I did all this despite the fact that my grandfather has the television volume set at blaring, because he's 92 and refuses to get a hearing aid, god love him.
Anyways, I'm veering back into procrastination territory with the length of this post... So I will try to return to my joyous effort...
The perfect words at the perfect time that sent my day in different direction:
"The cultivation of joyous effort will combat laziness and distraction."- Dalai Lama
Sharon Salzberg happened to tweet this...I happened to read it because I just started following her yesterday on twitter. And something clicked. A light bulb went off in my head...It radiated through all of my feelings of anxiety and depression and eclipsed my proclivities towards procrastination ...
And I pulled it together. I had a wonderful dinner with grandpa. And then I did the formerly unthinkable... I began to read the chapters for my impending anatomy exam.
And I read, and I took notes, and I actually become interested in trying to understand all the ridiculous minutiae... And I did all this despite the fact that my grandfather has the television volume set at blaring, because he's 92 and refuses to get a hearing aid, god love him.
Anyways, I'm veering back into procrastination territory with the length of this post... So I will try to return to my joyous effort...
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Eating the Elephant
So it's day 1 of this thing... whatever it actually turns out to be... a blog, a diary, hopefully a chronicle of my self-improvement. Right now, there's a lot that needs improving.
I don't even really know where to start...But while I was randomly watching the Rachel Ray Show today, I serendipitously heard something that seems really applicable to my current situation. Oprah's "Clutter Guru" Peter Walsh stated that "the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time".
So I guess the only way to eat this elephant is to eat this elephant! Do something, anything and keep doing it until my life is turned around.
So what's my proverbial elephant? Depression, social anxiety, and chronic disorganization are at the top of list... Also on the list is a healthy dose of perfectionism, a little bit of OCD, and a codependent relationship with my alcoholic mother. Yikes!
I have to do something, anything to get a grip on this, or at least try to be at peace with some of the things that I can't change.
So step #1: Get on a really good anti-depressant medication of last resort. I just started Nardil, 45mg, yesterday. I will definitely be writing more on this later. Too soon tell any effect besides a slightly dry mouth... yuck.
Oh, another thing on my elephant list is procrastination... (which is most likely a trait that can only be enhanced by having a blog!) So in the spirit of doing something, anything to overcome/be at peace with my elephant, step #2 is that I'm ending this entry now...
I don't even really know where to start...But while I was randomly watching the Rachel Ray Show today, I serendipitously heard something that seems really applicable to my current situation. Oprah's "Clutter Guru" Peter Walsh stated that "the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time".
So I guess the only way to eat this elephant is to eat this elephant! Do something, anything and keep doing it until my life is turned around.
So what's my proverbial elephant? Depression, social anxiety, and chronic disorganization are at the top of list... Also on the list is a healthy dose of perfectionism, a little bit of OCD, and a codependent relationship with my alcoholic mother. Yikes!
I have to do something, anything to get a grip on this, or at least try to be at peace with some of the things that I can't change.
So step #1: Get on a really good anti-depressant medication of last resort. I just started Nardil, 45mg, yesterday. I will definitely be writing more on this later. Too soon tell any effect besides a slightly dry mouth... yuck.
Oh, another thing on my elephant list is procrastination... (which is most likely a trait that can only be enhanced by having a blog!) So in the spirit of doing something, anything to overcome/be at peace with my elephant, step #2 is that I'm ending this entry now...
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